Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lesson #11: Farty Foods

 




I am writing today about a subject close to my fart... I mean heart.

If i asked you to tell me what the fartiest food was that you have ever eaten what would you say?
Mexican cuisine?
Beans?
Broccoli?

Or how about, as the above Patient-Teaching aid suggests....  SOUFFLE?
Seriously?  Is that because it is it is filled with air?  made of eggs? or because it is so snooty a food that one must fart at the fact that you need to order it at a restaurant before you have decided on your main dish, or even the bottle of wine you will be drinking?

You know.... in some cultures, farting is considered a respectable way to thank your host for the food you have just eaten.  I am not talking about the culture of incontinence....  people with incontinence seem to be embarrassed, as there is actually a host of products out there in the Flatulence-Absorbing Underwear market.  Carbon Filtered Farts (say that ten times fast), as you will.

Farting is so revered by society (negatively or positively) that In 2008, a farting application for the iPhone raked in nearly $10,000 in one day. There are 6 different farting applications for the Palm Pre

The more nitrogen rich and sulphur rich the food is that you are eating, the more your farts will stink.  And don't try to tell me that your farts smell like roses or like Chanel no. 5....
Anyone, and i mean ANYONE who eats beanslentilsdairy productsonionsgarlic,scallionsleeksturnipsrutabagasradishessweet potatoespotatoescashewsJerusalem artichokesoatswheatyeast in breads cauliflowerbroccolicabbage, brussels sprouts and other cruciferous vegetables will pass gas, but for different reasons.  


-Beans make you fart because of how we digest them... the bacteria in our digestive tracts work hard to break them down.... BUT:

Beans Beans
they're god for your heart
the more you eat them 
the more you fart
the better you feel
so eat your beans at every meal


-Cruciferous vegetables... well that's another story... They are high is Nitrogen and they not only increase flatulence, but also the smell.  And, why are they called Cruciferous?  The petals of the flowers produced are thought to be "cross-bearing" or look like a cross.  Maybe that's why they make you fart.... did they have to bring religion into this whole farty mess?


-Lactose rich foods like ice cream, cheese, etc.... well the farting associated with this is due to the human factor....  if you are lactose intolerant, it's all your fault... and you CAN be blamed as the one who cut literally cut the cheese.


-And starches... well did you know that rice is the only starch that does not cause flatulence?  not sure what else to say about that other than it surely does cause constipation.... not sure which is worse...


On another more political note.... would you consider not eating certain foods because of the environmental impact your gas has on the environment (not the mocro climate of your home, but the entire world, people!)?  For me, the answer is no... i cannot imagine, as Sir Paul McCartney suggested  "Meat Free Mondays" to reduce greenhouse gasses... can't he stick to making awesome music, being knighted, and having to give away his fortune through divorce?


I found the Facts on Farts directory online that you may appreciate for all your inquiries regarding the who (well, that would be everyone), what (you know it when you hear it or smell it), when (anytime), where (anywhere... well maybe not under the sheets), and why (oh... the many, many, many reasons) of farting.... .  Enjoy.

1 comment:

John-Andrew Murphy said...

Awesome. I'm reminded of the bean scene in Blazing Saddles. There's nothing wrong with ripping ass after a good meal. It just depends (no pun intended) on the company one keeps in the car on the way home from the restaurant.

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Napa Valley, California, United States
I teach Culinary Arts